| | Wow, it's been more than three months since I updated this thing.... I'll start with "20 Reasons why Chuck Norris Ownz!!"
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This
is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave
her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
14. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his" way.
15. Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
17.Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
18.If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.
20.Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started
when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the
elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a
fully functioning crystal meth lab.
**Real update on what I've been doing the last 3 months to follow later this week**
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| | Posted 11/23/2005 11:15 AM - 40 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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